The Comparison Complex: It's A Battle You'll Always Lose
Image: Psychology Today
If there’s one thing that I wish I could delete from this world, it would be our innate instinct to compare ourselves to other people. It’s damaging in so many ways: mental health, body image, self esteem, confidence, career progression, parenting. The list goes on and on and whatever the negative voice is focussing on today, chances are it’s inspired and fuelled by our deep dive into a dark pit of comparison in some way. In my Monday #MOODUP this week, I’m chatting all about this but if you’re more about the words, then I’ll also post a blog…and this is that blog.
Social media isn’t great for this but at some point we have to stop blaming those little squares and recognise that we can’t control that. We can’t stop other people - whether we know them in real life or not - posting their highlights on social. Why shouldn’t they? They’re proud, they’re happy and it’s understandable that they are sharing these things on social. Go them! That being said, I understand the feelings it can create inside your chest and gut. The ones that we don’t quite understand, but that put us on edge, damage our mood and bring us down. It’s not always clear to us why we get that feeling but it’s there and while we’re not proud of it, it’s hard to stop it having a negative effect.
What I’ve learned to be true is this: all we can do is control our reaction to what we see. It takes a conscious pause, a moment, for us to recognise what is actually happening. They haven’t ‘done’ anything to us, we are doing it to ourselves. We need to catch it before it infects our mood and try to say in your head (or out loud), “I am pleased for them.” It doesn’t even really matter if you mean it at first, but keep repeating it. Keep saying it over and over again to try and drown out the other, negative noise that’s building up. It’s a fake it till you make it type thing. It’s not easy, but it’s essential. Focus on being happy for them, and then move on. Focus on what makes you happy, what you’re grateful for. What’s your highlight?
And, if we’re not yet strong enough to do that, we can walk away from it. But I want walking away to be a temporary measure for you. What I think would be wonderful, is if we could really focus on our inner comparison demons and see them for what they are. I wish we could see that it’s an own goal, it’s self-sabotage, it’s masochistic. Social media isn’t destroying our self esteem and confidence, we are allowing it to do that and that’s two very different things. We need to accept that someone else’s highlight has, to be blunt, absolutely nothing, fuck all, to do with our assessment of our own lives. Zero impact at all. Unless you let it and then, it’s only a very negative impact.
Here’s the thing: we call it a comparison, but for that to be true, there have to be two players. An apple and an orange for example. In this particular example, there’s only one player - you - and you’re always going to lose. You’ve created an adversary in your head - whoever it is or whatever it is you’re comparing yourself too - but they’re not playing the game with you. It’s all on you. You can’t win and when you lose you’ll only look around and realise how alone you are in this game and that just serves to make it worse.
Guys, please don’t play the game. Don’t engage. Be happy for them and move on. Spend that energy reflecting on your own bad self and what you achieved and what you can do. Let others inspire you. Let them challenge you. Let them encourage you to raise your game, or recognise your wins, but please, don’t let yourself REACT.