Straight From The Therapists Mouth...

In light of the popularity of Therapy: Your Questions Answered, I thought I’d go to the source and get you some answers from a real-life relationship therapist. Georgina Smith has a Postgraduate Diploma in Relationship Therapy (Hull University) and works in private practice and for the charity Relate based in Surrey. Here, she answers a few key questions regarding relationship therapy and offers some tips on surviving the toughest time of year: Christmas.

Georgina on Instagram (she’s happy to answer questions on DM!)
Georginas website (coming soon!)

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What made you want to become a relationship counsellor?

I was a tour manager looking after comedians, musicians and crew traveling around the world.  I would often spend hours talking with those people about their spouses, their kids, their families - I think I realised then that my non-judgmental attitude towards life and how people live it (nothing shocks me!) meant that I was providing an unofficial listening service without any of the theory to back it up!  When I came off the road (fell in love, had a baby) I decided to officially re-train and my local Relate office were offering placements alongside my postgrad course.  Human beings don't just have relationships, we are thesum of our relationships.  Healthy or challenging - they shape us, how we think, how we we live and how we love and that isn't just our romantic endeavours, it is also our relationships with our parents, siblings, friends and children.

Do you find that there’s still a stigma around going to ‘couples therapy’ or is it becoming more acceptable?

I think there is still a stigma - couples think they are failing and that (to some, more importantly) everyone else will think they are failing if they admit to needing help.  We always use the MOT analogy - to make sure our relationships are roadworthy we need regular and robust testing just like a car.  It is easier (and has less emotional cost) to do small fixes on a regular basis than wait for everything to fail.  It is important for people like you Cat to talk openly about the process, metaphorically opening the doors on the therapy room so we can all look inside, and making it a less intimidating prospect. 

For what reasons do couples end up in relationship therapy? Is it all affairs and betrayal or is it more mundane day to day stuff that just wears couples down?

Affairs are a big one for sure, as well as day to day domestic load battles.  Bad patterns of communication, lack of intimacy, unspoken resentments, circular arguments that never seem to change all come up regularly too.  What pushes couples to make their first SOS to a counsellor is the realisation that things cannot continue the way they have been and they are ready to make changes.  One thing on this subject of change, it is not helpful for only one person to acknowledge the need to change, it needs to be acknowledged by both.  Unless we are talking about domestic abuse with a clear perpetrator and victim, couples get themselves into difficulty because both people are engaging in unhelpful and unhealthy patterns of behaviour.  If you think counselling will force a change in your partner and you can stay exactly the same, then couple counselling is not going to work.

6. With Christmas coming up, what are the key pressure points that you find couples struggle with?

We always see a spike in people coming for help in January after Christmas and NY - the expectations of what couple and family life should look like over the festive period not matching with reality, too much alcohol, financial stresses and pressures from extended families all play a part.  Too much time away from work and our normal busy routines can lead to (sometimes uncomfortable) introspection, as well as the natural reflection that comes up with a new year during which we ask 'can I do another year like this'?

7. What advice/tools/tips can you give to help couples navigate these through Christmas?

It sounds irritatingly simple, but remembering to be kind to each other.  I often see couples who have completely forgotten how to show kindness to one another - and in a busy, stressful period like Christmas it is worth consciously deciding to show goodwill to each other first before showing it to everyone else.  Also step away from the social media at times.  It is an edited snapshot of someone else's life - if you looked up the average couple in counselling on social media their photos would not show their nose to nose arguments or days of silent sulks.  Don't compare your relationship with its complexities to everyone else's simplified versions online.  This slump could also be temporary and things may improve when Christmas pressures have lifted - if they don't improve, then that may be time to seek help.

8. What about sex? What advice can you give to couples who find that kids, work etc has just eliminated their libido? How can you get that back?

Fluctuating libido is fairly common in long term relationships and couples have to work harder to maintain intimacy when they have other pressures taking up their time.  Many people who come to see me worry they are not having a 'normal' amount of sex without realising that everyone has a different meaning of 'normal'.  What is important is that both members of a couple are having their needs met (or as close to as possible).  If you're happy not having sex but your partner really misses that part of your life, then it needs to be addressed.  And if a couple have always enjoyed an active sex life, what has happened for that to change?  Work and kids get in the way sure, but I would expect there to be more underlying issues around trust and unpacked resentment if a couple has shifted from regular fulfilling sex to very little.  It would be explored in the therapy room as part of couple work.  (If specific problems with sex are a couples' main or only issue, then this can often require specialist psychosexual counselling).

9. Is it normal for the butterflies, the excitement of a new relationship to fade over time? How can you keep that alive...and should we be trying to?

All couples are different.  Some may feel that for their partner of 50 years, others may not.  I think relationships change and hopefully evolve over time, and we get to decide what that journey is - if you feel like your relationship (or you) needs some more excitement and magic then you should be able to discuss this with your partner.  I do believe that long term relationships require more conscious thought, effort and work than the first stages, but that those aren't negatives - deciding to work on something can often make it more meaningful and feel more special.

10. How much does couples therapy cost privately?

It depends on area you live in and individual therapist but couple counselling normally costs around £60 - £90 per session. 

11. I know you also work for the amazing charity Relate. How long can people expect to wait for counselling if they use this service?

Relate is federalised which means all centres run their own waitlists and fee structures.  My centre in Surrey would normally take around 3 - 4 weeks to get you in for ongoing counselling after initial assessment session if you are relatively flexible on days/times you can be available.  Couple work is most effective when you can primarily commit to weekly sessions (same time, same day each week) for around 6 - 10 weeks.

12. If couples are struggling to communicate without fighting but also can’t get into a therapists room immediately, what tips do you have for facilitating non-toxic communication?

Quality time and active listening are good starts.  Quality time doesn't mean booking babysitters and expensive restaurants, it means putting phones down, turning TV off and giving each other undivided attention for an hour or so.  Active listening is a key part of effective communication and it can start couples on road of important behaviour change - it is about being curious, repeating back what each other have said in a meaningful way and reflecting on what you have heard.  Google it, share with your partner and give it a go, what's the worst that can happen?!!