Choose.

I’ll tell you what they don’t tell you about adulting: they don’t tell you about all the decisions you have to make, every damn day. They don’t tell you how it feels to be bombarded with responsibility, options, possibilities, rights and wrongs, lefts and rights.

Well, I’ll tell you how it feels: exhausting and stressful and a little like someone is sitting on your chest making it difficult to breathe. Because, let me tell you, some of these decisions feel huge, right? Things like school choices, house moves, family issues, managing ill health. These are big, life-changing decisions and they seem to be landing on our shoulders more and more.

You know when you look around for the adult in the room and realise, with horror, that it’s you? This is where I find myself. As I head towards 40, my parents are asking me to sort shit out, help them plan stuff, book things for them. They’re asking my advice on things and while I’m happy to help, I can’t help but feel like they are actually listening to what I say and depending on me for the answer. That’s some pressure.

Of course, my kids are obviously still relying on me to keep them alive. Those kind of decisions range from giving them a healthy breakfast (manageable) to ensuring all their vaccinations are up to date, their car seats are safely attached and they have regular dentist appointments (goddamnit I was meant to call the dentist today). They’re also (quite rightly) expecting me to make all the right decisions for them so that they get access to opportunities that will fling them headlong into their potential.

There are decisions flying at us all the time and the pandemic has made it worse because nothing is ‘normal’ right now. There are no passive decisions because covid-19 has fucked up all the systems and routines we had in place. We can’t rely on the habitual decisions taking care of themselves, because who the fuck knows what’s happening tomorrow. Are they going to school? Don’t know! Are the shops going to be open? No idea. Will we be able to see the grandparents? Probably not…but maybe?

So, in these crazy times, even the smallest of day to day decisions have become active processes that we have to formulate and work through. Life has become a hamster wheel of choices and we are all tired and worn out and exhausted.

But here’s what I really came here to say: there’s no ultimate failure. There’s no bad decision or wrong decision that can’t, in some way, be fixed or at least modified. Sometimes a bad decision can open up a new option. The point is, with all these decisions to make we can’t allow ourselves to burn out agonising over whether we choose the blue pill or the red pill.

Make the decision and move on.