Second.

Once upon a time, someone who I really loved as a friend did a small thing that upset me. I felt hurt, left out, insecure. I had two options.

1. Do what ten-years-ago-me (hell, three-years-ago-me) would have done and pound out an email in excruciating detail, explaining why they were wrong.

2. Do what me-after-a-shit-tonne-of-therapy would do and take a beat to wait for my second reaction.

The best advice I was given was this: Never respond on your first thought; wait for your second thought. In this instance, my second thought led me to pick up the phone, and ask her if she had a few minutes to chat about something that was bothering me. She, of course, said yes and I explained what had bothered me.

The difference between the email in excruciating detail and the phonemail explaining what was bothering me? Vulnerability. Accountability. A recognition of my own role in the whole thing. Yes, she’d messed up but how much of my own insecurities and triggers were playing a role?

Here’s the thing: I have no idea. To this day, I have no idea whether I was being reasonable or not. I have no idea whether she really messed up or whether I was projecting a tonne of shit but here’s the thing: that’s what I told her.

“I don’t know whether I’m being reasonable or unreasonable. I don’t know whether I’m just triggered or being insecure but this really upset me. I’m only coming to you because I believe in being open and honest, but I feel really icky about the whole thing. Can we talk about it?”

And that’s what we did. I didn’t go in accusing her in excruciating detail and she didn’t get defensive. She didn’t need to - I had simply explained that I had been hurt. Maybe she played a role in it, maybe it was all down to my insecurities and triggers. Chances are, it was probably a bit of both.

Either way, twenty minutes later, it was done. I felt heard, she didn’t feel attacked. We both apologised; we both took time to empathise. It’s taken me forty years to get proficient at waiting for my second thought, my second reaction (and I still manage to fuck it up occasionally) but it’s been a game changer.

In my marriage.

In my professional life.

With my parents.

With my friends.

Even in the supermarket or when I’m in the car and I feel like unleashing Def Con 5 because some idiot cut me up.

Wait for your second thought.