Lifting Lockdown: Why Does This Make Us Anxious?

There are, of course a number of answers to the question: why are we anxious about lifting lockdown. The most obvious of course, are to do with the virus itself and the possibility of a second wave and countless more deaths. That’s enough to send anyone into a blind panic before they leave their front door but, I think there’s something else going on. There’s another thing that’s pushing our buttons and it’s ok to admit it.

Many of us have found solace and peace in the enforced state of lockdown. In our entire lives, we’ve never had such a chance to put life on pause for an extended period of time. For three months we haven’t been a slave to our iCal. We haven’t been juggling our schedules as if they are a precariously balanced Jenga tower of playdates, work commitments, deadlines, social gatherings, date nights, gym trips and the dentist. We’ve been physically and mentally stilled by the lockdown and for many that’s been a welcome and essential relief.

Of course, it’s brought with it its own set of problems - fucking homeschool - but despite that, overwhelmingly I hear people talking about how nice it is to not have to stress and organise and dash about and how that has had a positive effect on not just their mental wellbeing but their family relationships, their marriage. Many people have found true solace in the lack of noise in their life.

I can admit that this has been me. Sure, there are things we are desperately worried about but I have been able to let my head slow down for the first time in years. Yes, I’m desperate to see my friends and my family. I’m desperate to hug another human that isn’t my husband, or to have an actual meal that I don’t have to cook or serve or clean up but I’m also nervous about going back to where I was. I don’t want to do that. It was stressful and exhausting and terrible for my mental health. I want, in some ways, to stay here with my head firmly in the pandemic sand and only venture out for non-stressful and soul-nourishing reasons such as seeing friends and family.

But that’s not all either. Lockdown has called a time out on life. For the first time, none of us are doing much more than existing, surviving. There’s been comfort in knowing that we’ve all been stopped. Pre-Covid we didn’t want to stop because of FOMO or fear of being left behind, or of not getting the gig, or of looking unmotivated, or stupid or silly or a bit rubbish or all of the above. Whether you actively engaged in it or not the competition was overwhelming. Whether you were able to avoid it or not, the comparisons were suffocating. Lockdown seems to have levelled the playing field, albeit temporarily, and the lack of anxiety that comes from that is addictive.

When Boris started to lift lockdown, I felt the panic attacks of the first weeks of lockdown coming back but this time for the opposite reason. At the beginning, I wanted to go out. I didn’t want my kids off school, away from their friends and their learning. I didn’t want my husband’s tours to be cancelled, my work to come to a standstill. The anxiety would rise up and overwhelm me in an instant. I’d find myself bent over double at the kitchen sink feeling trapped and unable to breath.

Now though, the panic attacks are back because I don’t want to fight a gazillion people on the tube at rush hour. I don’t want to be back in a battle of freelance work, scrabbling for gigs, constantly on the pitch because otherwise the bills don’t get paid. I don’t want to be constantly confronted with how well everyone else is doing and be left feeling like I’m failing. It’s been so comforting to know that we’re all in the same storm - different boats in many cases - but the same storm. We’ve all been forced to stop and the lack of constant competition has been freeing.

I’m aware that much of this is about personal management of that stuff but I’m not ashamed to admit that I struggled with this and I know many, many women who also struggled with it, even if they didn’t want to admit it. Living in a perpetual lockdown isn’t realistic - I know that and I don’t want that - the hope is that post-lockdown we will make changes, we will have learned things and one of those things for me will be about remembering what I prioritised in lockdown and why I need to keep doing that once our doors are unlocked. Of course, the world will open up again, our doors will open and we’ll return to a normal life and, as long as we don’t forget what we learned here, hopefully that will be a new normal…with less anxiety.