What A Load Of Bollocks: Things You Should (Apparently) Never Say To Your Kid
Parents: I urge you. Please don't lost your fucking minds. Please don't swallow the blue pill and fall down the rabbit hole into the den of dickhead parenting advice. Recently, someone brought this article to my attention. Normally, I wouldn't suggest you waste a millisecond of your precious time reading such humbuggery-bullshit, but as an example of how cray-cray happy-clappy, jobsworth scaremongers can make parents this, my friends, is golden. If you can't be arsed to read it here, let me summarise. It's titled "Ten Things You Should Never Say To Your Kids" and before you even think about guessing what's on there, let me tell you what isn't on there. It doesn't say you should never tell your kids to 'fuck off' which, if you walk around South Harrow regularly would actually be pretty useful advice. It doesn't suggest you avoid phrases such as, "Give us a drag on your fag," "When I catch you I'm going to beat the shit out of you," or "Here's some rusty syringes and a razor blade. Go and play on the north circular." Instead, it strikes fear into the heart of every parent by suggesting that the following ten phrases will cause irreparable damage to your precious Small.
1. Great job Apparently, kids grow horns if you're praise is too generic. I'm not sure how many toddlers they questioned but they seem super convinced so who am I to argue? So, instead of saying 'Great job' when your Small successfully takes a dump in an appropriate place, the article suggests that you should be more specific with your praise. So perhaps something like, "I like the fact that you didn't shit in your hand this time darling." Consider this mama told.
2. Practice makes perfect. The fact that this statement is true doesn't appear to bother the authors of the article at all. They're too busy getting their panties in a bunch over the use of the word 'perfect' because of course, no parent can take the time or the energy to contextualise a long-standing idiom that any half-witted Small would be able to get their head around. Oh and let's not forget that we all love our Smalls so, while we may throw this catchy phrase around here and there, we're probably not doing it to break their teeny tiny souls.
3. You're okay. Don't whatever you do, tell your Small that he or she is 'okay'. You may as well touch them in their no-no spot, give them bleach for breakfast and leave them at home with a can opener while you fuck off on holiday. The 'expert' in the article, Dr. Berman, says that, when your Small falls over and scrapes his or her knee, he or she is "crying because they're not ok," and woe betide any parent that discounts their Small's emotions. Well, Dr. Berman, when I tell her she's ok, I'm not discounting her emotions, I'm simply suggesting that losing her shit because I handed her the wrong colour spoon is a disproportional response to the given situation. Okay?
4. Hurry Up! We should, according to another expert whose name I can't be bothered to remember or refer to, say "Let's hurry" instead. Apparently, the Smalls feel better about themselves if they think you're both running late. The fact is however, that in general we're not the ones running late. In fact, we've gone out of our way to get up early to make sure that this 'parenting' shit runs smoothly and the only thing holding the whole otherwise perfect process up is a Small that's determined to tie her own shoelaces when, if asked, couldn't locate her own earlobe.
5. I'm On A Diet I'm always on a diet. Always. Everyday of my God-given life. She's bound to hear those words fall from my lips but fear not, I'll make sure she sees me stuff my face with burgers, ice-cream, booze and lard. Balance is the key, right?
6. We Can't Afford That Apparently, using this phrase to avoid purchasing the latest toy-shaped request can have devastating effects. Once heard, this phrase will make Smalls worry that their parents aren't in control of their finances. Even though they respond by shouting, "I want it I want it I want Nemo I want it I want it now," apparently they're really thinking, "I think it's about time you and Daddy sat down and really took stock of your financial situation. Have you ever thought about a high-interest ISA? I've got degrees to get and houses to buy."
7. Don't Talk To Strangers Again, us stoopid parents are falling foul of being generic and unspecific. What if said stranger is a policeman or woman or a firefighter? I don't give a shit. If they don't know them, they shouldn't be chatting to them.
8. Be Careful Apparently there's never an appropriate time to remind your child of impending doom and potential death. In fact, the research suggests that these two potent words will actually cause harm to your child. Just remember parents, it's always, always, your fault.
9. No Dessert Unless You Finish Your Dinner These seven dirty words serve only one purpose: to suggest to your child that ice-cream is more enjoyable than lentils and cabbage, thus reducing their enjoyment of said lentils and cabbage. Hold the phone. Can someone get Murdoch for me? I've just stumbled across the year's biggest news story.
10. Let Me Help Let them do it themselves. Even if that means they are shoving the purple crayon in their ear instead of drawing with it - who needs a functioning ear drum anyway. Perhaps they are swallowing lego pieces rather than constructing the Death Star? Don't whatever you do show them how to do it. They'll end up totes thick.
Can we all just stop buying these experts' books? Much like Katie Hopkins, if we ignore them determinedly enough they will go away. There's no perspective. There's no suggestion that any of these phrases will be contextualised in the day to day existence of your family, or indeed that they need to be. Parents, listen up - these phrases are not damaging to your kids. Measles, broken glass, neglect...these things are damaging to your child.
Go forth and be awesome.