Before I start, I need to apologise, because when I came up with the idea for this blog I thought there would be loads of cool, low-intensity activities that you can do with kids that they’ll love and that won’t make you want to waterboard yourself with gin. Turns out, there aren’t loads of cool, low-intensity activities because, let’s face it, 90% of the time kids are dicks and we are really, really tired, so I’ve tried my best but I get it if you’re disappointed.

Scavenger Hunt

My drawings are shit and if you’re great at art then fill your boots, but the great thing about this is that it doesn’t matter if you suck at art as hard as I do. Part of the fun is them trying to guess what it is. For extra points they can write it out too.

Get them out of the house on your one daily walk and challenge them to spot the things on the list. Arm them with a plastic bag, some gloves (and maybe a little picker if you’re fancy) and get them to score extra points by picking up litter as they go.

They’ll inevitably get bored of both things after 23 seconds, so I recommend packing a gin in a tin to ease the pain.

For younger kids, dumb that shit down a little and reduce it just to colours. How many red things can they spot and bring to the paper? Blue things? Green things? You get the idea.

They get a tick for each thing they they find. Personally, I’d also give them a mini egg too because the ONLY way you’ll get small kids to walk further than from the living room to the front door is by laying a trail of sugary shit for them to follow. It’s a bit like Hansel and Gretl but instead of leading them home to safety, it’s leading them directly into a massive meltdown. It’s worth it though…just.

Lego

It’s an oldie but a goody. Lego is hands down the only toy guaranteed to get my kids to do ANY independent play. They are truly, truly shit at playing by themselves so I am willing to spend eleventy billion pound on Lego if it means I get twenty minutes to myself to sneak-eat their Easter eggs and neck a glass of sauvignon blanc while scrolling Instagram. Worth every fucking penny. Downside? Serious risk of injury and shouting ‘FUCKING HELL’ a lot when you stand on errant pieces.

Make Playdough

At the risk of getting a bit fucking hippy on the kids’ play thing, I did this once and they played for 45 minutes with it afterwards so, I’m including it. It’s a bit like cooking with them - they’re more likely to eat it if they helped make it - well, the same thing applies here.

BBC recipe is the best one I’ve found.

Bucket & Move On (Outdoor)

This is easy but completely useless if you don’t have a garden - sorry about that. Fill a bucket with water and any plastic shit you have knocking about - measuring jugs, utensils, Tupperware etc. and let them go mad in the garden.

Would also recommend locking the back door after them to really ensure some ‘alone time’.

Colour Your House In

There’s not much I have to thank the Daily Mail for but bringing this to my attention is, most certainly, one of them.

Never has the adage ‘boredom breeds creativity’ been more true. This family decided to ‘colour in’ the bricks of their house using chalk. Genius!

Although a word of warning: while this sounds great, it looks suspiciously like the kids got bored well quickly and the only one now left doing it is the dad. It’s a bit like when the kids are watching TV and then fuck off and you realise you’ve been watching Sarah and bloody duck by yourself.