A WEEK IN THE LIFE

MONDAY

Well, this is nice. The house is clean (my cleaning efforts last night, after half a bottle of wine and accompanied by a few episodes of Nurse Jackie) have paid off in dividends, even if the over-enthusiastic hangover is still lingering. The Small is off with her Daddy fulfilling her social commitments at the local soft-play and I’m getting on top of all my shit. Emails answered, laundry folded, legs shaved (don’t need to worry about pubes until Wednesday – the dreaded swimming lesson) and lunch prepped. I’m a bonafide #mumboss.

TUESDAY

I am so freakin’ tired. I just put the kettle in the microwave and it’s only Tuesday. What the hell just happened in the last 24 hours? I was all over this parenting shit. The only reason we’re all still alive right now is largely down to a heavy-handed combination of Netflix and cheese. As if things weren’t bad enough, I’ve put the Small down only to realise I’ve run out of wine. Is it a bit McCann-style to run the 200 yards to the supermarket while she sleeps? Don’t worry. I just answered my own question in hashtags #whine #nowine #talkaboutruiningitforeverybody

WEDNESDAY

What the fuckety fucking hell fuck fuck was I thinking booking The Small into swimming lessons on a Wednesday afternoon? It’s a scientifically proven fact that doing anything more on a hump-day afternoon than lying in a onesie and thinking about vacuuming while the Small watches TV works through her flashcards is actually damaging to your mental health and all round bad for the soul. Not only were we late and without a swimming nappy (thank god for the capable mother I nearly knocked off her feet skidding through the changing rooms) I threw on my swimsuit to discover that I’d forgotten to tame the lady garden. Yup. Pubes EVERYWHERE. The Small thought this was hilarious. Well, I had the last laugh. She may have a clean bikini line but she’s a shit swimmer and hairy or not, she would have died if it wasn’t for me. Died, I tell you.

THURSDAY

Oh good. Music lessons this morning. She loved it. She danced, she sang, she did exactly as she was told and she was so nice to all the other children. Not. She lay in the corner shouting, “I want to go home” and screamed even louder each time I got close to her. In the end I just sat in the circle, the only one without a child, and sang like an idiot and even did all the hand movements. She finally edged closer and closer and I, rather smugly, thought she was coming round. Turns out she was just coming to steal a biscuit from the kid next to me. That was deffo £13 well spent.

FRIDAY

NURSERY DAY! I had a whole ten hours to myself. I launched a company, wrote a blog, organised events for mamas, answered 324 emails, cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, got the car cleaned, did a supermarket shop, groomed the cat, power-washed the front yard…all before lunch. After that I watched a couple of episodes of Nurse Jackie and ate a whole meal with both hands in one sitting followed by a very indulgent five minutes having a poo without a Small asking if she “can see it on the way down”. I upped my social media stats by almost 245% and plucked my eyebrows, squeezed in a mani/pedi and even had time to give the husband a blowy. Imagine what I could achieve if I had ten hours to myself every damn day? #globaldomination

SATURDAY

Shittety shit shit. Despite my temporary efficiency burst yesterday I totally forgot about the Small’s birthday party. Don’t worry, it’s all sorted now. Called the 70s and asked for their advice. Gone for pineapple and cheese sticks and Buck’s Fizz. Yup. Booze at a kid’s party. That’s how we roll. Wrapping presents now. Bit pissed. Obvs.

SUNDAY

Party done. The Small is happy. She’s taken her scooter to bed with her (#pickyourbattles). I feel like I’ve cooked thirteen roast dinners and the dishwasher started to smoke a little after the sixth run in a row. Looked briefly at the laundry pile when I went to change after the Small threw up over me (I should probably have kept the cake out of her reach) and physically shuddered. I can’t see my house for glitter, wrapping paper and toys but all in all, it went well and I’m pretty chuffed with my #mumboss self. It may be the Buck’s Fizz talking but what a great week! #lovespendingtimewithmybaby

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