Everybody’s Free (To Pee Their Pants)

Pregnant ladies of the class of ’15: Do your planks and your pelvics.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the plank would be it and pelvic floors.
The long-term benefits of the plank and the pelvics have been proved by scientists,
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now…

Enjoy the power and strength of your youthful core and vaginal floor.
Oh, never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youthful core and vaginal floor until they’ve faded.
But trust me, in 10 months, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and the knickers you used to wear and recall in a way you can’t grasp now
How much power lay within you and how fabulous it felt to walk without peeing.

You are no longer as dry as you remember.

Do worry about the future, even if worrying has been as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum for me.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your pregnant mind,
The kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday when you’re bouncing on the trampoline with your Small and all of a sudden your scrabbling around for a Tena lady.

Do one thing every day that scares you (a cough, a sneeze, a star jump).

Don’t be reckless with your lady parts;
Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours (unless they are Small and coming out of them).

Squeeze.

Waste your time on your core and pelvic floor.
Sometimes you’re loose, sometimes you’re tight.
Pregnancy is long and in the end, you don’t want a leaky foo-foo.
Remember to squeeze and if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your maternity knickers, throw away your sexy thongs unless you…

…Squeeze

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what to do with your new Small.
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 weeks what they wanted to do with their Smalls;
Some of the most interesting parents I know with 40-month-olds still don’t.

Get plenty of core exercises in

Be kind to your vagina;
You’ll miss it when it’s gone.
Maybe you’ll wee, maybe you won’t;
Maybe you’ll be crippled with back pain, maybe you won’t;
Maybe you’ll trampoline at 40, maybe you’ll dance the ‘Funky Chicken’ (but not without a maxi pad).

Whatever you do, don’t jump too high too soon
Or lift without bending your knees.
Your choices are squeeze, squeeze and squeeze.

Enjoy your body, squeeze it every way you can.
You don’t want to be afraid of it or what other people smell of it.
It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own
And if you want to dance with it, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room, SQUEEZE.

Read the directions and if you don’t follow them peeing your pants in public will only make you feel ugly.
Listen to me; you never know when those muscles will be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings, they’re your best chance for a spare pair of knickers in an emergency
And the people most likely to stick with you in the future…even if you smell of wee.

Understand that friends come and go,
But a precious few, who hold on to their pelvic floors,
Work hard to bridge the gaps by planking and squeezing.
For, the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young and tight and leak-free.

Live in New York City once but look after your core and your floor.
Live in northern California once but, for the love of God, look after your core and your floor.

Squeeze.

Accept certain inalienable truths:
Tummies will get strong again, vaginas will tighten up and you, too, will feel better,
But when you do, don’t forget what you did to get there.
Pelvic floors were done regularly, planking was common
And, erm, children respected their elders

Squeeze your elders.

No sorry, I mean SQUEEZE.

Don’t expect anyone else to support your vagina.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse,
But you never know when either one might run out and neither of them can squeeze for you.

Don’t mess too much with your pubic hair
Or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85. Awks.

Be careful whose advice you buy but listen to every word I say.
Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of remembering when you didn’t have to sneeze and hope.
You don’t want to worry about wiping it off and painting over the ugly parts

Be strong and sneeze to your heart’s content.

But trust me on the squeeze.

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