The other day, I was going about my business and a friend of mine sent me this picture⇩ because she just knew that this would push all my ‘For fuck’s sake’ buttons. And she was right. So very, very right.
Just in case you’re not sure exactly what you’re looking at: this is a bespoke, personalised cloth nappy designed by the kind of mother that I want to shake, kick in the shins, pinch her bingo wings and then top it all off with a Chinese burn.
If this woman had a blog she would call it I BECAME A MUM AND GOT SUPER SMUG BECAUSE NOW I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I’M THE MOST PERFECT MUM IN THE WORLD AND JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN’T SURE I THOUGHT I’D GET IT PRINTED ON A FUCKING CLOTH NAPPY SO YOU COULD ALL KNOW HOW FUCKING AWESOME I AM AS A MUM AND A HUMAN AND YOU CAN TRY EVERY DAY OF YOUR SORRY LITTLE LIVES TO BE HALF AS GOOD A MUM AS I AM BUT YOU WILL FAIL.com
Imagine if Angelina Jolie had a t-shirt made up that said:
‘No fat on my bum.
Millions of dollars in my bank.
Sleep with Brad Pitt.’
The whole world, without exception, including her husband and every single one of her many, many children would want to stab her in the eyeballs with white hot needles. It’s not nice to boast, it’s not nice to be obnoxious. Quite simply, people don’t like smug dickheads.
What is this woman expecting us to say to this message that is, quite literally, full of shit? Does she want us to say, “Well done! I wish I could spend an inordinate amount of money on bespoke cloth nappies that tell everyone just how awesome I think I am.” Or perhaps she’s hoping we’ll all throw down our formula, our disposable nappies and exclaim her as the prophet of all things baby? Perhaps she’s expecting us to get on our humbled hands and knees and say, “Thank you oh wise one for showing us the way.”
And before the haters hate, let me be CLEAR: I am not against cloth nappies; I’m not against breastfeeding; I’m not against co-sleeping. Those are all wonderful things to do and if they work for you then amazing. What I am against is smug momma types self-declaring their ways as the best way, and I’m REALLY against smug momma types paying for advertising space on their Small’s stinky bum-bum to make sure that we all know how
fabulous fucked up they are.
If, for a second, I side-step my anger and allow myself a few seconds to try and empathise with this woman and perhaps try to imagine a world in which this is a thing to be celebrated then…
Nope. Nothing. I’ve got nothing.
So, little Miss Smug Socks, stop it. Just stop it.